Adapting

There are many changes going on in our lives this year.

You might recall from recent news that Michael’s mommy has a new job at a brand new hospital right near by. Gone are the days of getting up in the wee small hours to see her off. Gone is the huge long commute. And at least for the summer, she’s home for dinner every night.

And there are big changes where I work, and while I can’t really talk about them too much, I will definitely say they are very much unwelcome changes: fundamental environmental changes that have not been felt in this company since its founding. Changes that have left my co-workers and myself scratching our heads and wondering.

One of Michael’s sisters graduated from high school the other day. She’s 18 and carries the official stamp of adult validation, the brand of the education system, the certificate of childhood conclusion. Which means she’s not around the house much these days, except when she needs to do laundry or take a shower or fix her hair or ask for money or feed her boyfriend.

Our oldest daughter has a full-time job and a diploma, and only occasionally makes a visit. Michael’s next-older sister just finisher her junior year of high school, and has ambitions for college life after next year.

And poor Michael, the last, lone child in the house, facing a long and unstructured summer break, is stuck with two parents who are still reeling from the changes to home and work, trying to keep up with the rest of us as we adapt our lives to the changes swirling around us.

Change is good. It stirs up the soul and tests the mettle.

But even so, it will be very nice when everything settles again.

Certified Dork

I don’t understand fashion.

Haute couture is a concept that is entirely alien to me. Someone might try to explain to me the logic and sensibility that form the foundation of fashion sense, but they might as well be explaining the concept of the color chartreuse to a person born blind.

Shoe style in particular befuddles me. As far as I’m concerned, anything that covers my feet completely and doesn’t promote blisters or smelly socks could be considered a quality shoe. I remember when I was in my late teens and I discovered tennis shoes that had Velcro closures. Think of it! The end of the untied shoelace epidemic! I figured this would be the biggest thing since square headlights.

Surprisingly, Velcro shoes didn’t catch on. At least, not for those over six. Undaunted, I kept right on wearing them. I’d instruct my poor mother to only purchase shoes for me that had Velcro straps. No laces! They got harder and harder to find in grown-up sizes; I’m not even sure they’re available any more.

Despite having been forced to wear lace-up tennis shoes, and even (gulp) dress shoes, I have still been completely unable (and entirely unwilling) to understand or embrace shoe fashion.

Which is why I sometimes get frustrated when I’m asked to help locate and select the proper foot attire for my highly fashion-conscious wife, particularly when it’s urgently time to leave for work, and her shoes are scattered to the four winds.

“I need shoes!” she will say to me, making no subtle implication that somehow their disappearance is my fault. Naturally, I can understand this. After all, ninety-five percent of the time it’s Mr. Man here who moves things around and hides things from her. Because there is little in life that brings me more glee than relocating her footwear.

“Where are they?” I’ll ask. This is a stupid question, I know. But yet it still manages to form in my mouth and then cross my lips. It’s almost involuntary, like the way you sneeze when you step out into the sun.

“I DON’T KNOW! WHERE I LEFT THEM!” Now, this is entirely true. They are right where she left them. The trouble is, she did not file a Last Known Location memo with me when she removed them from her feet. Thus it becomes my mission to recall the previous day’s events, starting with her arrival home, and to mentally follow her dotted line path from the garage door into the house, around the lower level and then upstairs to change. Somewhere along this path will be those shoes.

Eventually, I’ll locate a pair. They might have been hidden under a chair, behind an end table, protruding from under the couch, cowering in the laundry room, any number of places.

“Here are some,” I’ll say, holding them up.

“No, not those shoes! I need non-dorky shoes!”

My wife really loves me, I know this. Because she still hasn’t noticed, in our ten years of marriage, that I am a dork. And that as a dork, I do not understand what constitutes dorkhood in anything, let alone a shoe.

And as such, I have no way to respond to that exclamation.

But I have learned, that as a husband, it is possible to side-step certain issues if they cannot be addressed directly. In this case, that means trudging on and looking for more candidates. I am versed enough in her worktime accoutrement to know that there are only certain kinds of shoes that are acceptable, so this narrows the list down considerably.

Each of her shoe pairs has a particular name associated with them, so that I can quickly reference them without having to go into deep description. There are the black clogs. There are the red clogs. There are the beetle shoes. There are the green tennies, and there are the black tennies.

“How about the beetle shoes?”

“No!”

“The red clogs?”

“Yes!”

Ah ha! I’ve made a connection. Score the point for dork boy! I quickly scan the floor looking for the shoes. Today they’re resting underneath the computer desk, one canted at a jaunty angle over the other.

With shoes applied and keys and coffee in hand, it’s kiss-kiss and out the door.

Another morning with a successfully shod wife, and scored points for hubby.

“I’m going to chip your shoes some day!” I call out to her and her car pulls out of the garage.

I wonder if there’s a GPS locator app for shoes? I’m going to have to investigate that.

Hard Knocks

I think the people who run the public education institution believe that parents exist solely for their benefit: to produce children and then submit their lives as an offering of servitude in support of whatever particular program they’ve seen fit to implement.

As a working adult with an actual life that includes things other than being the parent of a school-age kid, I often find their expectations at odds with my own agenda.

When you reach a certain point in your life, the one that is full and rich with Stuff To Do (e.g. Work, Home and Yard Maintenance, Food Preparation, Bill Paying, Having Special Moments and Meaningful Conversations With Your Children, Endless Chauffeuring, Dispensing Instantaneous Cash, etc.), you discover that time becomes the most precious resource of all. Like a suitcase, life only works if everything is crammed in there just so. Upset the delicate balance, and it doesn’t all fit. You end up carrying your socks.

Getting Enough Sleep is like clean underwear in that suitcase. It’s a non-negotiable.

So it becomes the life’s goal of any parent to eek out every last nanosecond of sleep possible. This is especially true if you have, for one reason or another, lost about four hours of sleep because you couldn’t fall asleep until 2:00 AM the night before.

I had fully intended to just not bother getting up this morning. Even after Michael came into our room at our normal wake up time, I was going to just sleep through. In my head I had worded a cordial letter to the school: “Dear Educational Facilitators: Michael will not be attending school today because I need clean underwear sleep. Thank you and good night.”

Then School comes along and says “Nope, we have other plans for you today.”

You see, during our morning rush, Michael’s Mommy came dashing back into the house after dropping off a surly, attitude-marinated teenager at high school.

“IT’S RIDE OR WALK TO SCHOOL DAY!!!” she announces. This information does not travel completely up my neurons to my brain before she continues: “I’m going upstairs to change.”

“Ride Or Walk Day” is another clever device constructed by the educational system to make us Environmentally Aware, and to then provide us a reason to feel smug about how we saved gas and lowered our carbon footprint or something. The fact that the buses would still be running, dumping out their standard issue of particulate diesel smoke doesn’t seem to enter into the equation. Nor does the fact that the kids who live close enough to walk anyway won’t be altering their behavior, and the ones that live too far to walk are very likely STILL not going to walk also doesn’t seem to factor in. It does, however, motivate some parents (such as ourselves) into exercising our cunning.

I immediately put the brakes on whatever it was I was doing to get myself ready to leave.”Oh geez. Michael, do you want to ride or walk?”

“Uh… rrrrriiiiidde?” he asks, as though it were a trick question.

“Okay, I’ll get your bike.”

His bike is hung up in the garage next to his mom’s and mine. It’s like some grim, mechanical abattoir, these poor, forgotten constructions of steel and rubber remain suspended from the ceiling on the off chance that one day they might be taken out and ridden.

Naturally the tires are flat and require pumping up. I set the bike on the garage floor and extract the pump from the tangle of bungee cords and tubes of caulk. Pumping up tires is one of my least favorite chores.

“Why is it (pump) that these people (pump) feel the need (pump) to make me work (pump) so darn hard (pump) just to provide (pump) my kid (pump) an education? (pump) And are we (pump) really saving (pump) the environment (pump) in any way (pump) shape or (pump) form?”

I disconnect the pump, drop it on the floor and hurriedly put Michael’s bike in the back of the car.

You see, we’re going to cheat and drive Michael and his bike to a convenient spot and then ride the rest of the way. If we had to ride from home, it would take hours. But this way, we ride/walk up the hill to school. Probably won’t take but ten minutes. Then Michael does his bit, we all look like we’re Good Parents, and everyone goes home with that nice Environmentally Aware Smugness that we’re all after.

Once we get to the parking spot and start heading up the hill, I notice that suddenly the distance between where we are and where we are going is a lot farther than how it looks when I drive along that stretch. And the hill is a lot steeper.

Michael manages to keep a fairly stead 0.03 MPH on his bike, steering wildly to keep himself upright, spending most of his leg’s energy alternating between back-pedaling to brake and putting his feet out to prevent himself from tipping over. I have my hand on his back providing all of his forward thrust.

“Michael, stop hitting the brakes!”

He continues his serpentine crawl. I’m concerned about the time. We only have a few minutes before the bell rings and others are passing us by: walking, riding, pushing strollers.

At long last the hill begins to level out. ‘Surely he’ll get going faster,’ I thought.

No… the possibility of increased velocity intimidated him all the more. His zig-zag path grew more wild, and I began to worry about the others on the path. I grabbed on with both hands and steered him myself, while providing still more forward momentum.

“Michael! Stop braking! I promise you’re doing less than 20 miles per hour in the school zone!”

Slowly but surely we plodded along, passing the chain link fence and eventually coming to the entrance of the school.

Panting hard after our formidable trek, I said: “I figured this would be a ten-minute jaunt up the hill! I had no idea it would take this long to get here.”

“Actually,” my wife said, “it only took us seven minutes.”

“So, it just seemed like an hour?”

At the door, they gave him a pencil and a lanyard, tangible evidence of his Environmentally Good Deed. We kissed him goodbye and in he ran, leaving his bicycle for me to carry back. All the way back down the hill. Well, at least he’s not on the bike this time.

I’m calling this my exercise for the day.

Learned.

I learned a valuable lesson.

That my laissez faire attitude regarding web site security was not smart.

My web page got hacked. Fortunately, the only symptom (as far as I could tell) was that the page looked like someone erased a large portion of it.

In truth, what had happened, is that some unscrupulous company decided that it would be a wise and useful marketing ploy to inject their links into some vulnerable code on my web site, and then let the magic of php and css do the rest. They thought it would put a banner on the top of my page announcing their amazing product, and providing a direct link.

I don’t think either of my readers saw it, nor would they have followed the link if they had.

More to the point, I don’t believe the traffic I get would have increased their bottom line even one iota.

So… no gain.

Except that I learned that I can’t be so lax. I changed my password, deleted some old plugins and have taken a more serious approach to security.

Beware, you black hats! The door has been fortified.

Dust in the Wind

Not sure why, but the web site you’re currently viewing has some technical issues that result in the header, the left column and most of the center column to be eclipsed by the background image.

Obviously I’ve done something boneheaded but I don’t know what it is after hours of scanning and debug. Not that I know what I’m looking for. The days of straight HTML are long gone, thanks to CSS.

Anyway.

I apologize for the ugliness here and hope to get it resolved soon.

Thanks for your patience.

Achilles Heel

It started yesterday morning. No, wait… it really started some time back.

Let me back up a bit.

First of all, a status update: Michael is growing disenchanted with swimming. I am sorry to say, my Olympic dreams are, for the time being anyway, shelved. He’s been stuck in the same level of swimming class for several consecutive sessions, having lost either motivation or attention enough to get his fast kicks going and his “wonky arm movements” under curtail. He is a strong swimmer, no doubt: he’d be able to keep himself afloat and make it to safety, and look stylish along the way. He is keeping up the diving, though, which is great. More video of that later.

He and his older (twin) sister L are taking Taekwondo lessons, and enjoying it immensely. Video of their first lesson made its way to Facebook in no time at all, thanks to my wife and her handy iPhone. If nothing else, this will help teach Michael discipline and respect in a way that I have not been able to.

I have been diligently working on a project for a science presentation for Michael’s class: a three-color spotlight that I can use for demonstrating the concept of additive color in an impactful way; nothing beats a live, hands-on demonstration for showing kids the coolness of science. This project has involved a lot of drilling and cutting of metal, working in little fits and spurts as I try to steal snippets of time here and there. One of the things that tends to fall by the wayside in this process is cleaning the garage.

So, back to the main story.

Yesterday morning, by the time I’d gotten to work, my left foot was in a lot of pain. Deep, stabbing pain.

This was fairly unusual, as my left foot (and most of the leg to which it’s attached) has little sensation, owing to side effects of my second back surgery some years back. Ever since then, my left leg has been pretty much numb on the bottom of my foot all the way up the back of my leg. The only thing I do feel from time to time is an itch, though scratching it is useless as it has no effect at all. That can be maddening, let me tell you.

Most of yesterday I kept my weight off of my foot, prancing around (in a manly way, of course) on my tippy-toe.

Every so often during the day I tested my foot, putting my whole weight on it. For some tests, I was able to keep my weight on it. Other times, I couldn’t without a jolt of pain.

It felt like muscle pain, or a ligament thing. It was deep and jarring, and seemed to come and go.

I spent the day tip-toeing around, doing my best to combine my errands and take efficient routes.

Eventually the workday ended and I headed home. I’d told my wife of my affliction, hoping she would not suggest going to the doctor. I think my doctor does a good job, but I don’t have half a day to throw out waiting in his exam room. And I don’t know what he’d do anyway: this is one of those deep, chronic, needs surgery or physical therapy kinds of things.

Because I’m getting old and my body is falling apart bit by bit. This is the phase of my life where I need to go shopping for a good, sturdy cane.

I tried doing some foot stretches, as the pain seemed to respond to that. I thought maybe if I kept it moving and didn’t just sit there it might recover.

Maybe I’d done something stupid to my foot, and it was cramping up.

But then… on the occasion when I’d stand up suddenly and forget not to keep my weight off of it… wham! a bolt of pain would blast out from the sole of my poor foot and stop me in my tracks.

Just before bedtime, it hit me. It’s gotta be plantar fasciitis. That’s gotta be it. The perfect malady for me to contract to show me that my reckless living, carbohydrate consumption and sluggardly ways have brought me yet more torment.

I resigned myself to this revelation, hoping that there was some remedy. I remember my mother complaining about this a few years back… maybe she had some advice for me.

The pain continued, unabated, throughout the evening, right up to the point where I crawled into bed.

Extending my suffering leg down along the sheets, I felt my heel catch. I thought maybe there was an errant produce sticker or a random piece of tape stuck to it.

I reached around and felt for it… and was rewarded with a sharp stab to my finger. I felt a small, hard, jagged object protruding from the bottom of my heel.

I pulled it out and examined it. It was a 1/4″ shard of aluminum, cut from one of the pieces I was working on in the garage. My lack of cleanliness caught up to me: I’d stepped on a large metal sliver.

With the sliver gone, I felt instant relief. From harsh pain to no pain in one yank.

I spent a half hour this morning vacuuming up the floor of the garage. I’ve learned my lesson.

Observations

We were driving home from Church.

Michael noticed an airplane in the sky with its landing lights blazing.

“Why do they have their lights on?” He asked, one hand shading his eyes as he peered into the sunny sky to watch the plane fly over.

“It’s FAA regulations,” I said. “It’s the law.”

“To make it safer,” his mom said.

“Safer?” He asked.

“Yes – it’s the law for airplanes to have their lights on to make it easier to see people,” she continued.

“No… I mean, during the day,” he emphasized.

“Exactly. It is important to keep your lights on during the day. The laws are set so that airplanes have to have their lights on. It’s easier to see people when you have your lights on.”

“During the day?”

“Yes,” she continued. “Some people drive with their headlights on during the day. Our car has its front lights on during the day, because it makes it easier for people to see.”

Michael sat and thought about that for a while.

“This world makes no sense to me,” he said, finally.

“When it starts making perfect sense, kid,” I said, “then you know you’re doing something wrong.”

 

How Do You Spell Irony?

Sunday was a day of adventure, as we had decided to take our old fire extinguisher to the fire station and get it checked out. We learned that the dry chemical kind we had was not rechargeable, but it was probably past its prime since it was about eight years old and, according to one firefighter, had all of the solid stuff in a wad down on the bottom (he could tell by turning it over a few times). They told us we should just buy a new one.

That sounded like a good plan.

After all, we’d be sure to have a fire if we didn’t have a fire extinguisher, right? I mean, that’s how things work: if you’re prepared for a situation, that situation won’t occur.

The rest of the day consisted mainly of journeying afar to the ye olde dump, only to discover that the hazardous waste area, where one would ordinarily recycle one’s old fire extinguishers, is closed on Sunday. We went to a burger place instead and got lemonade.

Once home, and after installing the new extinguisher, I took Michael outside to the back yard with the old extinguisher to demonstrate their operation.

“See? Just squeeze here and let it shoot!” We blasted the old garden area (which is now just a very large cat box) with a healthy layer of yellow powder. Michael was sufficiently impressed, and then asked if he could be dismissed so he could go back in and play some Zombie Apocalypse game on his DS.

Fast forward to Monday evening. Daddy had arrived home only minutes before, and after depositing keys and wallet and other accoutrements, plopped his carcass down on the couch to “rest up” before getting dinner going.

That’s when daddy noticed smoke in the back yard.

“Michael? Go look out the window and see where that smoke is coming from, please.”

He went to the window and squinted. It was hard to see with the sun blaring through – something we are definitely not used to here.

“I can’t see. It’s too bright.”

“Probably someone barbecuing,” I said, and thought nothing more of it.

A few minutes later – I saw more smoke. A lot more smoke. It seemed to be coming from the yard behind ours, near the corner by the play structure.

“That’s a lot of smoke…” I said to no one in particular.

I arose from my recumbent position and went to the window. That’s when I saw flames licking the fence. Big flames, reaching a couple of feet higher than the fence itself.

It took me a moment or two to realize that this was no barbecue, and that no one was out there tending to the fire – this was a blaze, and it was spreading.

“The fence is on fire!” I yelled.

“Get the fire extinguisher!” my wife yelled in response.

I ran to grab it. The brand-new fire extinguisher, less than 24 hours in its place, was called into active duty.

“Call the fire department!” I yelled as I hurried out the back door. As I ran I could see the flames reaching the lowest branches of our tree. I still couldn’t tell where it was coming from exactly, but it was definitely on the fence that separates our next door neighbor from the house behind us both. I stood at the corner where the fences meet and I let loose with the dry chemical spray, shooting over the fence and hoping I was making a difference.

In no time at all the extinguisher was used up, but the flames persisted. Luckily I had the old one we tested the day before. I grabbed that one and squeezed off a blast – and nothing came out at all.

Disgusted, I dropped the extinguisher and ran toward the house to grab the hose. I could hear my wife on the phone talking to the 911 operator. Then she asked me: “How far is it from the house?”

“At the lot line! About 25 feet!” I called back, yanking the hose reel off the house, opening the spigot and pulling the hose across the deck and out toward the fire, which by this time had resumed its destructive fury.

I managed to get a good spray over the fence, and saw billows of steam pouring out of the neighbor’s yard. It was then that I had the brilliant idea of standing on the play structure that was right there.

Jumping up on the lowest platform, I could easily see the problem area, and determine exactly what was going on.

While I sprayed down the fence, the culprit became obvious. Up against the fence, in my next door neighbor’s yard, was a compost bin. It was entirely blackened and covered in ashes. Near it was a plastic flower pot that had melted on the side nearest the bin. Next to it was another wooden planter that was charred on the side closest to the bin. All around the bin were signs of heat and fire, particularly on the fence.

Scorched

I continued to spray as I heard the fire engines pull up.

Apparently, the compost bin had ignited the fire by spontaneous combustion. I’d read about it, but never actually witnessed it in action. The composting action naturally creates heat, but if it can’t escape it climbs to the ignition point – and sparks a fire.

When the firefighters arrived, I had the flames put out and was just soaking the area to prevent any further flare-ups.firetruck

“Looks like you did our job for us! Good work!” they said. Michael and my wife joined me on the play structure to gawk at the action going on next door.

The firefighters assessed the situation,  used their axe to knock down the loose and charred fence boards, and hosed the area down further. One of them got a shovel and turned the compost over a few times. Another walked up with a thermal camera and began scanning the area for hot spots. I explained to Michael what was going on, how the fire started, and what the firemen were doing to make sure it was all safe.firemen

By this time my neighbor had arrived and was talking with the firefighters. With the situation under control and pictures taken, we hopped off the play structure and ambled back in the house, reliving the highlights of the excitement.

I expected my neighbor to come over and talk to me about it later, at least to find out whether or not there might have been some other cause for the fire, but he never did.

So – would it be considered ironic that a fire breaks out on the day after we get a brand new fire extinguisher, to replace the one we’ve had for eight years and never used?

Probably not. But I will let the pedants out there discuss the true definition of irony.

Extinguished

Fun With Mom

Mom’s guide to having fun with a vegetarian daughter, #84

1. Grasp a Lay’s Waffles and Chicken potato chip firmly between the thumb and forefinger

2. Present aforementioned chip to vegetarian daughter without stating what it is. E.g.: “Here! Try this!”

3. Step back. Hilarity ensues. (E.g. gagging, scraping of tongue, gargling vinegar, hunching over sink, repeated cries of “you’re so mean!”)

Like Royalty

My wife texted me today from the oil change place:

“There was no oil in the pan! ”

followed by

“The royal we needs to keep an eye on my car’s oil.”

Did you catch that? “The Royal We”

As in, “We need to set out mouse traps,” or “We have to fertilize the lawn,” or “We must find and kill that spider in the bathroom,” or “We need to plunge the clogged toilet upstairs.”

It didn’t take Mr. Husband here very long to figure out what Her Majesty means by “We”, since it is almost exclusively used in assignment of some un-hygenic, un-lady-like, upper-body-strength-requisite or an otherwise onerous chore. Anything that would be unworthy of a lady who has a perfectly useful husband hanging around.

Actually, I don’t mind. Truth be told I find it amusing, and perhaps even cute, that she does that. I mean, it’s a much nicer way of requesting my services to perform such a task, instead of just saying “you need to do this.”

I’m asked to do something distasteful, but at least it’s in a way that includes me within the royal corpus.

Not that I get to wear a crown or anything…