Random Chunks

Michael shnookered his mom into letting him stay home with her yesterday. This almost always happens when I have to go into work early and leave her in his clutches. He’ll work up a sniffle or a cough and whine to a degree sufficient to tug at her hearstrings and bend her to his will. Fortunately he was a good boy yesterday and I did not come home to a beaten-down wife. I came home instead to a peaceful house and barbecue chicken and ribs already on the grill. So I can’t complain, can I? Quite the contrary.

One other note about yesterday is that Michael was ravenous all day. My wife said he spent the day grazing, and probably ate his weight in various items: blueberries, strawberries, ice cream, chicken soup, carrots, chocolate milk, and pretty much anything and everything in the kitchen. He was giving his sisters a good run for their money in the locust department. We figure he’s heading for a growth spurt. Given the amount he ate yesterday and this morning, he should grow another fourteen inches in the next week.

I had a restless night, spending most of my dreams chasing Michael around. I devote quite a bit of dream time to this sport. It’s like I don’t get enough time during the day extracting him from danger and bad behavior, I have to get a few more hours in while I’m snoozing. In last night’s dream theater, he somehow took our car for a joyride and managed to get pulled over by the police seven times before crashing into a lamp post and wandering off. While I was explaining this to his mom, he took my keys again and tried to park the car in a handicapped spot, scraping the side of another car in the process. I think I woke up at that point.

This morning, on the way to Ms K’s, I happened to fall in line behind a sheriff’s car. Ho, boy. I made sure I kept my speed at 30 miles per hour and drove with exceeding care. The cop rounded the corner ahead of me and disappeared. I maintained my speed until I rounded the same corner, and came upon him stopped in the middle of the road, his yellow lights flashing. I slowed down, and then he turned off his lights and continued on. Was he just baiting me? I would not have been surprised. I, however, was not going to get on that hook. We continued on for another quarter mile, and then he stopped again and turned on his yellow flashers. I stopped behind him, and waited. And waited. And waited. What exactly am I supposed to do now, officer? The signal is unclear. Do I go around you? Are we waiting for something? Finally a line of cars piles up behind me, and some guy in a big truck whose scant underwear were obviously in a bunch decided he’d had enough and started to pull around the both of us. Then the cop waved me around, finally. But I couldn’t pull out because Mr. Shortcomings had me boxed in. He pulled back a bit and I was able to get around. Thanks again for the memorable morning, officer. My driving time would be so boring were it not for Washington County’s finest.