Parenting in the Real World

Congratulations! Your first child is on the way.

As you await the blessed day of your baby’s arrival, you daydream about being a parent, envisioning sunny, carefree days romping across the lawn with your beaming, freckle-faced, curly-topped child who will skip through her days eager to learn and enjoy this world and all you offer. Your child will appreciate your hard work and will love and respect you, her devoted and beloved parent.

And as a parent, you are certain to get it all right, never making the mistakes your parents made. You’ll never find cause to yell, never have reason to drag out a tired cliché such as “I’m sick and tired of cleaning pee off the toilet!” or “The only thing you’re going to get is a spanking!” or “Don’t make me turn this car around!” Your child will be good, because you will be good to her. Your child will not ever act like a brat, because you have resolved to always relate to her with love and kindness and caring and wisdom. And your child will respond in kind. Your child will not learn meanness, selfishness, anger or hatred. Your child will behave properly in public settings, will not whine or scream or kick or bite like other children do, because you will be wise and watchful and patient, consistent and firm but always loving. You will nip any unwanted behaviors in the bud.

And for a few days after you have first met your beautiful baby, the most enchanting and perfect baby ever brought forth into this world, you remain confident in your belief. Parenting is easy! The baby sleeps most of the time, and she’s just so sweet!

But then the change comes. Baby doesn’t sleep most of the time, and when she does, it isn’t at night. And ninety percent of the time she’s awake, she’s crying; and you and your spouse take turns holding the baby and roaming the hallways like a zombie, jiggling her and cooing nonsensical, impromptu lullabies in a fatigued monotone. So begin the sleepless nights and exhausting days, one piled upon the next, with no relief in sight.

And slowly but inescapably, your patience is eroded. Your strength is sapped. Your emotional and physical reserves are drained beyond the point that you had originally believed to be rock bottom. You no longer resolve to be the perfect parent, but to merely survive from one day to the next. Your beatific dreams are unsympathetically quashed by the unending needs of a miniature despot. And as your child grows, you discover to your dismay that she does not, in fact, always reciprocate your kindness and caring and patience.

So begins the gradual slide toward what seasoned parents refer to as “Reality.” You watch as your child lies, bites, throws tantrums, hits, grabs and tells you that she hates you. You eventually resign yourself to the fact that your child misbehaves all on her own, without having learned bad behavior from anyone.

To be fair, it is absolutely true that children’s behavior falls along a spectrum, with some kids naturally being better-behaved than others. And even the most demonic child will have a good day now and again.

But children, all of them, will throw a tantrum at least once in awhile.

There are some “experts” who unswervingly adjure that proper attention to your child’s demands will quell any tantrum. Being calm in the face of the tempest will show your child that you are in control and you will not be moved by his display. And in some dire situations, quenching the blaze means giving your child what she wants without question.

What I want to know is, what do the experts say you do the rest of the time? The time where no amount of textbook parenting helps?

Case in point: Last summer we were returning from an annual trip across the state, a six hour trip under good conditions. Having had probably six hours of sleep the night before, Michael was primed for a miserable journey before we even buckled him in. For the first few miles he whined and complained about the temperature, the brightness of the morning sun, the fact that his sister was within six inches of his personal space, and various real or imagined bodily distresses. He wanted to sit in his mother’s lap. He wanted his blankets on. He wanted his videogame. He wanted his blankets off. He wanted to take a nap. He didn’t like the smell. He didn’t like the cows standing in fields outside.

Eventually we put on “Cars”, the Disney/Pixar DVD he was most enamored with that week.

And for a time, he was relatively quiet.

Then, the movie came to a scene that is completely dark. And instantly, Michael screamed that the screen was off. He wanted it back on.

We tried to calmly explain that the movie was running, and that he’d see things again in just a minute, but he ignored us entirely. His demands rapidly escalated into a screaming and spit-flinging rage. He wanted the movie back on! Right Now!

I had few options at that point. We were traveling down the freeway at 65 miles per hour, on a desolate stretch where it was probably ten or fifteen miles to the next safe place to pull off. We couldn’t calmly soothe him with words, as he was making so much noise he couldn’t hear our calm demeanor anyway. Could we just “give him what he wants?” No. He was actually getting what he wants, but he couldn’t recognize it.

He was having a nuclear meltdown, and there wasn’t a darn thing any of us could have done. Not one thing.

My point: There will be times when your kid behaves very badly, and there’s nothing you can do about it. All the sage advice in the world can’t cover every situation you may encounter. Some times, you’ll be a position where you cannot control your child, and you feel like a complete and utter failure; a laughingstock for the entire world to point at.

Yes, as a parent you must do your best to keep your demeanor consistent, firm, loving and engaging. You should strive for an appropriate level of structure, proper nutrition, avoid excess fat and sugar, limit television viewing, and make sure they have plenty of time for exercise and play and intellectual development. All that good stuff.

But even given all of that, there will be those times like I mention. Because kids are kids, and they’re not little adults. They are works in progress.

So what do you do?

Grit your teeth, and drive on.

Even the biggest storm eventually ends.

And after that, they usually nap hard.