Michael’s five. He’s going to be starting kindergarten this fall. He’s not a toddler or even a preschooler any more.
Not too long ago it hit me how much I miss the time when Michael was very small.
And I’m not as much wistful about it as I am annoyed. Despite my very vocal proclamations of relief at his increasing maturity, I actually would like another shot at enjoying the baby Michael.
I spent nearly all of Michael’s baby-hood stressed out, tense and irritated, mainly due to a situation that had been churning for some time; one that I probably would not have subjected my family to had I made better choices years ago. Suffice it to say that it’s one of those things that I’d love to be able to go back in time and smack myself for.
But because of it, either by damaged brain cells or force of distraction, I actually cannot recall much of Michael’s baby-hood. Those memories reside in the center of my cerebral blind spot.
I am confident that Michael was in fact a baby at some point. I remember when he was born, and how surprised I was to see that shock of red hair. I remember he peed on me when I changed his diaper the first time. I know he came home from the hospital tiny, helpless and needy. I know I carried him a lot. I know he cried often and threw up as much. I know he spent a good deal of time in our bedroom in a cradle, and then later in a crib in his own room.
I know this because I have pictures and video of that time. I know this because I wrote a lot in my personal journal, writing about the day to day struggles, joys, triumphs, sadness, milestones and disappointments long before I began writing them in this blog.
Our computer has a slide show screensaver that cycles through pictures taken from around the time Michael was born on up to recent days. Seeing these old photographs underscores the fact that I honestly don’t remember much of life when Michael was so small. I tell this to my wife in a half-kidding sort of way, but regrettably it’s no joke. It’s like I accidentally put my memory on fast-forward during that period, and I’ve only just realized it.
Sometimes, I gave him bottles. Sometimes, I bathed him, played with him, tucked him into his crib. I did my share of taking care of him.
I know that he used to stay right where you put him. I vaguely recall that the cat used to walk on him a lot, because as far as she was concerned he was merely a lumpy extension of the furniture. And of course once he was able to move, he started getting in to things. That, he hasn’t stopped.
But I harbor resentment toward myself now that I couldn’t (or didn’t) pull myself out of my own negative attitude to really be there for him as a baby. That I wasn’t there for his sisters or my wife as much as I could have been.
At this point, there’s nothing I can do to reclaim those lost years. I have the memories I do, and those are the ones I’ll keep.
But I can just resolve to be here completely from now on. For Michael, for his sisters, for my wife. To remember to stop and drink it in from time to time.
Oh, Tom. I wish you weren't so angry with yourself. I think we all on hard on ourselves because we don't reach some level of perfection we set for ourselves. But, as human beings, we all mistakes.
There are years that I don't remember because all I could see were the girls. But, I wasn't enjoying them, I was worrying about them, knowing where they were every minute, basically losing my mind. I didn't share the girls with family as much as I should have and caused some very hurt feelings. I was ignoring my husband as well.
But, what I did was try to survive day to day in a job, parenting, that I knew nothing about. There were extenuating circumstances feeding my fears as well.
But, I can't look back and be filled with regrets because I was doing the best I could. I think you were, too. I think you were there a lot more than you give yourself credit for. And the fact that you are promising yourself and your children and wife to be there completely, speaks volumes about who you are.
I think we all fall prey to this kind of thing from time to time. Sleep deprivation, stress and the busyness of caring for small ones can sap us dry. Those memories are there though and they will surface with the right prompts.
I must honestly say that sister B and L brought over a lot of problems from their other parents house (J). I tried so hard to be nice but ended up being upset and abused by them both. I will never forget J barging in our house, holding Michael and when I asked to have him she just got up and put him in his crib (in OUR bed room). That was the day I stopped being nice. I will never forget her trying to just take things over and dismiss me as michaels mommy. It makes my blood boil just thinking of it now.
Don’t be so hard on yourself. You were dealing with sister B n L's emotional baggage that they were unpacking at out house. Their mom (J) was having mental breakdowns and causing the girls to be sooooooo difficult. They couldn’t love me because that would disrespect their mom and they couldn’t love their new brother because that would upset their mom. The poor little boy was surrounded turmoil caused a domestic terrorist (J). I will not sugar coat that time because it was pure hell for me and I know you. I think you did the best you could at the time and I can help you remember the cute little Michael and I think weaselmomma is right; your memory will come back at the right time. Life is better now because we are not being constantly terrorized like before. We actually have peace in our lives and God is bigger than anything so if we just keep leaning on him we have nothing to worry about.
)
Thanks for your kind words. I really do appreciate them.
I'm going to be hard on myself for just a little while longer, though.
Tom!!! It's Bob.. I will show below as anonymous because I was too lazy to try to create any account right now, but I wanted to tell you that I really loved this post, as I do all of what you write. I have a lot of the same feelings as you describe.. I did early on and I do now.. I think what makes us great dads is that we stop and think once in a while. Michael has a top notch dad, and I have a long-time friend that I am totally proud to know. I love you, Bro!!!
@Bob — Buddy, you don't know how you've brightened my day! It's really good to hear from you. I don't know if I could ever classify myself as a "great dad"… but you're definitely there. Thanks for dropping by! Don't be a stranger!
Tom, Tom, Tom, yes all three of you…husband, dad, and wage earner! I should add cook, handyman, etc. You need to be more philosophical; when you and Michale's Mommy were married you were blending families not an easy task, especially with all of the additional outside drama. I remember thinking your cell phone was some kind of crisis hot line. Look how successful you've been. The girls have transitioned well in spite of being teen-agers, Michael is a wonderful, well-behaved (usually) 5 year old boy, your wife loves you very much. Hey, you were everything to everybody–you had no time for Tom. Slow down and take time to smell the prickly pear margaritas. You are an excellent husband, father, stepfather, son-in-law, cook bartender and so much more! Grandma K.
Having forgotten so much of your childhood because of a lack of spousal assistance I can totally relate to this dilemma.
But you are doing the right thing in documenting all of this for his future, so few people do this.
Now maybe you understand why I keep calling Michael, Tom, I am trying to relive that time in a more measured and careful way but as the Chinese say,you cannot step in the same river twice.
Love, your Mom
I forgot so many little details about my kids ealy lives, I was truly ashamed of myself. HINT… pull out the old photo albums and home movies. It'll take you RIGHT BACK!! I did this recently and rekindled a TON of great memories. I need to do this more.
It is hard to look back and have fuzzy images, but in this instance the outcome is more important. And look at your outcome! He has grown into an adorable, curious, and much loved boy and your family seems to be melded and happy. So you all must have been doing something right!
My son is also starting kindergarten this year. I'm amazed by his growth and development over the past five years. The other commenters are right. Don't beat yourself up. You are doing all you can right now to be the best parent that you can be. That's all any of us can do.