From the Archives: Not Gentlemen

Since I’m still without an original thought extremely busy, I’m dragging another post out of the archives. I originally posted this on The Anthill some years ago. Feel free to smirk if you believe it merits such.

So I’m watching the news and a story comes on about an attempted robbery that left the suspect unconscious.

The cop being interviewed described the actions of the two guys involved: “One gentleman came out of his home and witnessed the other gentleman attempting to break into his car. They got into a struggle and at some point during the fight, the second gentleman was rendered unconscious.”

A very typical police-esque narrative. But for the life of me, I can’t quite understand why they have to refer to these guys as “gentlemen”. The thief certainly wasn’t being a gentleman. And since the story came out of a bad part of town, I have my doubts that the intended victim was a gentleman either. I could only loosely accept them being called “men” as that term implies a sense of upstanding behavior. These two would be rightly called “males”, “guys”, or “dudes” maybe. Not that the cops would use those words, but they should. It would make a lot more sense in my opinion.

I could only imagine them being gentlemen if their interaction were more civilized than it was.

It should have gone like this: Gentleman A, dressed in a grey pinstriped suit and sporting a bowler hat and a handlebar moustache, approaches Gentleman B, who is also sporting a handlebar moustache, is dressed in a pair of rough tweed trousers and an oxford cloth shirt with rolled up sleeves, and who is attempting to break into Gentleman A’s automobile.

“I say, my good man! Here now, what tomfoolery do you purpose toward my motorcar?”

“Right, then! Sir, my sincerest amandation is offered forthrightly, for my business is burglary of a sort most grievous.”

“Burglary indeed! The deuce you say! And can you attend no honest occupation save thievery?”

“Have a care, sir! Proffer your deductions elsewhere!”

“You sir, are a jackanape, and I shall give you a right proper fetch.”

“Ah, then fisticuffs will suffice to settle the matter.”

“Have at it then, good sir! You will find my pugnastics nigh upon insurmountable!”

Gentleman A then whacks gentleman B with a tire iron.

Now, if the scene went down like that, then I would accept them being referred to as gentlemen. Bonus points if the police officer reports the incident as a “row”.