Today we bring you the biography of one of my favorite bloggers, the illustrious Weaselmomma.
She was born in upper Mesopotamia in the second century, the youngest of twenty seven children. A fighter from an early age, the brash and arrogant girl rejected the simple agrarian life to which her family was dedicated and soon left home to join the huns and learn the ways of the barbarian. Her young life was spent looting and pillaging, plundering stores of mead and ale, and terrorizing small villages.
She eventually grew bored with her life in Ireland, so she emigrated to Chile where she studied with ninjas, becoming adept in the arts of stealth and surprise attack.
This provided the skills she needed to bully her way into a full scholarship at Cambridge University, where she studied under Sir Isaac Newton. During these years she led a quiet life working as a patent clerk while developing her special theory of relativity, which she released in 1905.
For many years she spent her life in relative obscurity, publishing the occasional breakthrough paper in theoretical physics and giving graduate student lectures.
The arrival of the Beatles in America in the early 1960s was a turning point for Weaselmomma. She cut her hair, donned a purple jacket and joined the group as the “twelfth Beatle,” with fellow alumni Scotty Pippen and Marty Feldman.
While touring with the Beatles in Nova Scotia she became intrigued with the teachings of the philosopher Socrates, and after a late summer concert she originated the Toga party, inspiring a young roadie named John Belushi.
The constant touring and partying took its toll. Weaselmomma began to yearn for something beyond herself. She felt the need to leave a lasting legacy. So at the young age of sixteen, she enrolled in Harvard Medical School. After breezing through the master and doctorate programs, she graduated to an internship at Cedar-Sinai Medical Center where she specialized in disorders of the liver related to conspicuous consumption of domestic malted beverages.
It was while attending to a special case involving an aging Gene Cernan that she became inspired to join NASA and become the first woman to walk on Krypton. Sadly, there were no planned missions to Krypton at the time, due to the high expenses of traditional Earth-bound mission launches, and the fact that it was a made-up planet that had long since exploded anyway. She used her creativity and engineering skills to design an orbital observation and mission platform, launched in 1998 as the International Space Station. Tragically, she was never able to set foot aboard her own creation.
Determined to soar through the cosmos, Weaselmomma moved to California under the name Gene Roddenberry. Forming a lasting friendship with a kindred spirit, Walt Disney, she went on to star in one of the most beloved science-fiction television programs of all time, “Star Trek Voyager,” playing the part of Captain Janeway.
The series lasted only three episodes.
Out of a job, broke and destitute, Weaselmomma was forced to return to her homeland, where she had little else to eat but scrapple.
It was while stalking pigs in Vermont that she had the epiphany that led to her greatest achievement. Seeing the vast numbers of maple trees in the area, Weaselmomma soon began collecting the sap from the trees to make maple syrup. Her grade A+ syrup became a local legend, and kick-started her maple syrup empire. Her syrup became an international sensation, and a treasured childhood icon that lives in the hearts and memories of us all. For despite her vast and checkered past, Weaselmomma will always be remembered most fondly as the model for her syrup bottles.
Happy Birthday, Weaselmomma! Long may you reign!
BTW, you’ve been blunked!