Upon picking up Michael from Ms S’s yesterday, I was for the third time this month presented with The Book.
I do not like being presented with The Book.
It is unpleasant. It is distasteful. It is wearying.
I lightly skimmed the words in the book, wincing at reading the narration of Michael’s unprovoked aggression toward his classmates. It was more than I could bear to read just then.
According to the book, and Ms S who was standing right in front of me relaying a more thorough account of the day’s meanness, Michael had found a piece of sharp plastic and brandished it against several classmates, scratching a few of them maliciously. When asked why, he gave no reason nor did he express remorse.
Later he was witnessed throwing a toy at another boy, claiming that the boy was “the new kid,” implying that he was establishing his dominance as an upper classman.
He was also overheard telling a little girl that she’s a loser, making her cry.
Reading that just made my heart sink.
If there’s anything I cannot stand, it’s a bully. And evidently that’s what I have here. Michael is exhibiting the behavior of bully and coward.
It scares me to think how this could progress, if it were to continue into his teen years. It scares me to think what sort of adult he could turn in to.
At home last evening, instead of getting choice time or after-dinner treats, he and I had a discussion.
I explained to him that what he’s doing is not only wrong, it’s hurtful and mean, and I won’t tolerate it. I told him I would not let him veer off course. He said he wants his friends to like him, and I told him that the best way to make that happen is to be a good friend to them. Being kind, giving, loving, generous, compassionate and sympathetic are the keys to winning friends.
Honestly, I’m at a loss to explain his behavior: where he learned it, what provokes it, why he continues it.
And I’m at an utter loss as to how to address it.
I just hope and pray that God gives me some insight, and that we can get him back on the right track.
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February 26th, 2010 - 6:38 am
This is a tough road and I’m sorry that you have to walk it. I have no answers for you and the only suggestion I have to offer is to continue with prayer for direction and to ask your own mother for guidance.
February 26th, 2010 - 11:59 am
Well you only got the book once this week. I had it presented to me Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday!! I have been praying that Michael has a good day and that we can really have a good weekend! I think that Michael is just getting out his imp as a little kid and he will be the most wonderfullest teen on the face of this earth! Sister S was an easy little kid and now look at her: skipping class and not calling home when she is going to be late.
(Hubby) You’re right… I shouldn’t worry so much I guess. Still, I’m going to stick to my guns about keeping him on course, without becoming angry or distant myself. That’s definitely not what he needs.
February 26th, 2010 - 3:08 pm
Hopefully Michael will grow out of this mean, bullying stage before picks on the wrong kid and gets his clock cleaned. When he gets older like 5th, 6th, 7th grade, an effective way to treat not behaving at school is for the parent(s) to take a day off work and attend school with the child. Have a folding chair handy so you can sit right next to his desk and take it from class to class. Be his shadow. You are there to see to it that he behaves. You shouldn’t have to do that more than once. Sister S. might be too old for that to be effective but she might be mortified enough to not skip class ever again!
(MD) I hope it doesn’t come to a clock cleaning, but that might be the cure. As for the school shadow idea, I say Sheer Brilliance! If the opportunity arises, I’m doing it.
February 26th, 2010 - 8:59 pm
If there’s one thing I’ve learned with my three kiddo’s.. it’s that they all felt the need to “push it’ by testing their independence and boundaries. Each one did so at very different ages, in different ways. My youngest was and is the most challenging of the three. She’s extremely independent, and can have quite a temper sometimes. However.. the older they get, the greater their power of reasoning gets, and she continues to progress.
The fact that you’re so involved, loving, and patient with him, tells me you guys are going to be okay.
(MD) Thanks, Darrin. It’s true about their increasing power of reasoning, and that’s what I’m banking on.
February 27th, 2010 - 5:24 am
Facing the daily note is so overwhelming. Keep using prayer and looking for answers. When Boy was at the height of school issues, I spent so much time in the parenting section of the library, I knew which books were fluff, and which were helpful on sight!
(MD) We’ll probably be wearing out the carpet in that section of our library too.
February 28th, 2010 - 4:16 pm
As you’re not a father for the first time and I’m sure you’ve been through this with your other kids, the only advice I have is to continue prayer and keep guiding Michael. Some kids just go through phases. Hang in there…
(MD) We did go through this with Sister L, his “twin” – and though she still has her moments, for the most part she’s turned out just fine. So we have some hope right there.
March 1st, 2010 - 9:53 am
Now that I have spent a few days with Michael, I am wondering if there is more to the story to misquote Paul Harvey. For instance, calling someone a loser indicates to me that perhaps a sister or two has used that expression and Michael is merely parroting it because at his age, he does not fully understand the meaning of that word.
Also the threatening behavior may have been misinterpreted or taken out of context.
I refuse to believe that he is a cruel and unfeeling bully, it does not compute!!
The next day was such a good day and he knew it so that was a relief as well.
Gramann
(MD) Yes, he’s heard the term “loser” from his sisters. But we’ve talked about it with all of them, and that it’s not okay to say. My concern here is that he keeps using it, tossing it out at random, with no regard for what it’s doing to his target. And I don’t think he is trying to be a bully, but he could easily be heading in that direction – the direction of unthinking, uncaring, remorseless and non-empathetic. I’ve made it my goal to daily steer him away from that. I don’t think his threatening behavior was misinterpreted or taken out of context. It was witnessed fully by the teachers, and his mom and I have witnessed this kind of behavior ourselves at home. I know you love him and think the world of him, but what you saw was all the best.
March 1st, 2010 - 12:28 pm
I can only offer my prayers for you and your family. Hope things turn around.
March 1st, 2010 - 3:30 pm
You will be happy to know that Michael had a great day at school! When he was feeling mad he went to talk to a teacher. She had him feel how hard his heart was pounding and she explained that his heart starts beating fast when he is mad. She told him to breathe and feel his heart calm down. That was a wonderful thing and may be the ticket. Maybe we need to focus on helping Michael identify the physical signs that he is getting mad and teach him ways to calm himself down. It was a good thing to have 3 teachers come to me and report what a good day Michael had!!
March 3rd, 2010 - 2:57 pm
So this is the 3rd good day in a row for Michael!! He had some issues with some classmates but he was able to tell the teachers and talk with is friends. Way to go Michael! They are also going to make him a chart so when he has a good day he can get a reward at home and he can see how good his day was.