Today, Michael presents a useful tool for five-year-olds everywhere.
Hey, kids! Michael here. You know when your parents glare at you with the angry face and words are coming out of their mouths but you really don’t know what they mean? Me too! I’ve done some studying and I think I have a few of their phrases figured out. You can try these yourself and see how well they work.
Parent says: “Come down stairs now and eat your breakfast!”
It means: “Please stand in the doorway of my bedroom and repeatedly lock, unlock, shut and open the door.”
Parent says: “Do not pick up the cat!”
It means: “Pick up the cat by her midsection and rake her panic-induced claws across your sister’s knees.”
Parent says: “Okay, sport. You need to nap for at least two hours. Got that?”
It means: “Just lie here for a minute or so, then get up and run around in your room, being sure to distribute books and toys evenly across the floor for the next thirty minutes, then go to the door and call out that you’re done with your nap.”
Parent says: “It’s only six o’clock, and it’s Saturday! It’s way too early for you to be getting up!”
It means: “I’m glad you’re up! I’ve been so bored just lying here in bed. Now we can watch SpongeBob and eat Froot Loops and Pop Tarts and make noise and turn the couch over and build a fort and…” (ed: actually, that does sound kind of fun…)
Parent says: “Eat your dinner.”
It means: “Pick at your chicken a little, blow bubbles in your chocolate milk, drop your fork on the floor and plug your nose because you swear someone at the table is eating cheese.”
Parent says: “Get in the car seat and buckle up.”
It means: “Stand next to the car and play your Leapster.”
Parent says (while sister is reclining on couch): “Please stop bothering your sister!”
It means: “Place three pillows and a blanket on your sister’s face and then climb up on them and crow like a rooster.”
I hope you find these phrase translations useful. I promise you’ll get your parents’ attention!
At the moment it doesn’t seem funny but reading about our life makes me laugh!!!
(Hubby) You know, at least three of those little gems happened in the last 24 hours. You have to laugh; the other option isn’t as much fun.
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Yup, those things get my attention all right! Thank goodness my 5 year-old is too young to read blogs!
(MD) Michael could corrupt an entire nation of kindergartners if he could get them all together in one audience.
All the things I missed never having a little boy! If I ever have a grandson, I’m coming to you to learn what he’s really saying!
You have to laugh, it feels better than ranting and raving, don’t you think?
(MD) Exactly. I’d much rather see the amusing side than get my blood pressure any higher than it is already.
Too funny! I can see my future now.
(MD) I hope you’re taking notes.
Michael, you are a genius.
“It means: “Pick up the cat by her midsection and rake her panic-induced claws across your sister’s knees.””, had me cleaning off my keyboard.
(MD) It’s amazing how he can re-interpret such seemingly simple requests. Like “Please be quiet” becomes “Please stomp down the stairs and scream.” My only hope is that he grows out of it soon.
That sounds about right I think. “brush your teeth” can be roughly translated as “smear toothpaste on the countertop and be sure to leave the water running after turning it on but not using it.”
The imagery produced from the one sentence “picking up cat by midsection and raking panic-induced claws on your sister’s bare knees” has got to be one of the all-time great lines in childrearing history! Bravo, Tom, marvelous and also stupendous.
Love, one grandmother