Raising children is not for the timid. I don’t think any parent would dispute that.
It is also not for those who are unwilling to learn and grow in order to be a better parent. As a dad, I know that I have a lot of room for improvement, and Michael is giving me plenty of opportunity for that.
In light of that, I’ve discovered that one annoying tendency I have is removing Michael’s options.
When Michael is faced with a choice and I know he’s going to make a bad one, my usual move is to step in and choose for him to prevent him from making a mistake. For example: I’ll let him know it’s bedtime in five minutes, then one minute, and then now. If he doesn’t come with me, I’ll just go pick him up and haul him off rather than letting him know that he has a choice to make: behave, or not – and each comes with consequences. Or when he’s playing with something that belongs to a sister, rather than ask him to put it down and giving him the space to make a good decision, I’ll just take it away.
While this does save the outcome of the immediate, it is actually not helpful. I would go so far as to say it’s harmful.
He needs to be able to choose. He needs to have the opportunity to choose and to learn from the outcome of his choice. When I take that choice away from him, I also take away the learning. He doesn’t develop the pathways in his brain that help him learn from his mistakes, and thus he can’t grow effectively in that regard.
So what I am having to learn at my advanced age is to stand back and allow some things to proceed, even if I know the outcome will not be pretty. Of course I’ll be sure to prevent injury to life and limb: in those times I’ll step in and guide. This is a tough thing to learn. very tough.
AMEN! This is also a great reminder for our older kids. Just because they make a poor choice doesn’t mean we are going to swoop in and save them. They need to feel the disappointment when they make a poor choice. Like when they choose to spend the day with a friend instead of being with us so we can’t bless them with lavish treatment on their birthday or something like that.
(Wink Wink)
Something immediately sprang to mind, remember the ghost thingie that you sent for from the catalog and even used your hard-earned money to buy? I knew it would be less than you hoped but I had to let you learn didn’t I? It is one of the toughest things in parenting to see your kids crushed and/or disappointed at the least from an unwise choice. Saps your energy. Mom
I had a very hard time letting my girls make choices, especially bad choices. I didn’t want them to have to have a negative experience. Like you, I found out it was unwise. Making bad choices is a learning process, even if the learning process is a hard one. Believe it or not, I still have a hard time with this even though my girls are 17 and 20. But, I have The Mister helping me with this and I’m so thankful. So, inside I might be yelling NO!, but on the outside I remain silent and let them choose away. You are so right, parenthood is not for the faint of heart.
This is so true, but part of being a parent is troubleshooting the really bad choices, especially when the consequences effect the rest of the household. Parenting is one tough job!