My Christmas List

Ah, Christmastime.

That joyous time of year when we celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus. The season when giving is on everyone’s hearts and minds, when shoppers rush home with their treasures, when we all wistfully hope for a heavy (but not inconveniencing) snowfall, and when Santa Claus appears in every mall.

Children are giddy with excitement and anticipation of what Santa might bring them: a bicycle, a toy train, chocolates, dolls, videogames… their lists are a mile long.

Mine is short. It has only one item.

I am blessed – very blessed – to have a home and family. I have a good job and a loving wife. What more could I ask for?

Just one thing.

For Christmas, what I would like most is to never, ever have to hear the song “Last Christmas” by George Michael or any other cover group. Ever again. Ever.

It is positively the most insipid, inane, repugnant songs my eardrums have ever had to relay to my cerebrum.

It does two things: 1) It props itself up to be a “Christmas Classic” by decking itself with shimmering, chime-like arpeggios and light-noted staccato chords that are intended to be reminiscent of the rhythmic jingling of sleigh bells, to lull your brain into utter acceptance of the tune as a welcomed holiday favorite; then 2) it hits you with absolutely nothing substantive concerning Christmas itself, only the whinings of a co-dependent with abandonment issues.

Let us break down the lyrics to the chorus, shall we?

“Last Christmas, I gave you my heart…”

Okay, he uses the word “Christmas.” It’s gotta have some seasonal significance, right? And he “gave” his heart. Probably not the best idea; becoming emotionally vulnerable during a time of artificially heightened happiness is risky at best. But I’ll give him the benefit of the doubt on this one.

“But the very next day, you gave it away…”

By this we are to assume this means that the recipient of our hero’s cardiovascular core has rejected his love, and quite unexpectedly. Either explicitly via a hand-written letter, or perhaps by some more demonstrative and cruel method, like showing up to a party escorted by another. I ask you, friend: are you certain that you couldn’t have seen that coming? I mean, wouldn’t you have had some clue that maybe this person was not going to requite your affections? Or perhaps you hadn’t known this person for long enough to really tell? Then I submit to you, sir, that your impetuous action in giving your heart was nothing short of pure buffoonery.

Oh, but it gets better:

“This year, to save me from tears…”

Hold on a second there. You’re now going to tell me that you have a foolproof plan that will absolutely guarantee that your heart (which you have inexplicably re-gained) will not experience further insult? Based upon what I’ve heard so far, I’m not so inclined to believe in the soundness of your judgment.

The last line is the clincher:

“…I’ll give it to someone (breathy voice) special!”

This is where I completely lose it with this song.

Just look at everything that is implied with those six words:

a) The person that is going to receive the heart is deemed to be “special”, implying unquestionably that last year’s recipient was not “special”, which ultimately means that the giver was just plain stupid for giving it away in the first place.

b) This new person, this “special someone”, whom we can safely assume he’s known for less than a year, is not going to give his heart away. No guarantees there, pal. I refer back to last year’s experience and your lack of ability to determine whether someone is going to take good care of the old corazon.

c) It’s only been a year, and our hero is still mooning over this lost love. How special can this new love interest be? I’m sure she’s heard this song by now and is wondering the same thing.

d) He’s awful quick to give away his heart. Wouldn’t you want some man-cave time to let it heal for a while?

e) Exactly what is the point of expressing all of this to his lost love? If he’s interested in someone new, what would he gain by telling last year girl about his plans for this year’s heart-giving? The answer is simple: he’s only using this new gal as a means to incite jealousy.

So there we have it: a song about an emotionally immature guy trying to make some girl jealous. Ladies and gentlemen, I submit to you that this is NOT the spirit of Christmas. This song does not belong in the pantheon of venerable Christmas classic tunes. It must not share shelf space with “White Christmas”, or “Frosty the Snowman” or “Sleighride” or any of the great ones.

Truth be told, there are a few other “Christmas” songs that I’d like to never hear again, but if I could have just one eradicated from global memory, it would be this one.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go find my CD of the Vince Guaraldi Trio and listen to REAL Christmas classics. Like “Linus and Lucy”.